It’s over

So paperwork are already done. It went much faster then expected. I’m a divorcee. It’s OK I guess. 

I feel empty and sad at the same time. A raging emptiness and a overwhelming sadness at the same time. It feels like I am floating and when I’m about to grab land I miss it. I can’t reach my feelings. 

Now what? Where am I going and what is the meaning from now on. I kind of let everything just be as I was just focus on I don’t know what. Dealing that alone standing here on my two feet, give comefort and support to my child at the same time not feeling it myself.  It’s me here. Now for sure alone. I came to this place as my ex wanted to. Now. I feel lost. 

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 Accepting help, asking for help

I’m a proud, slightly paranoid, extreme individualist. I want to manage, deal, solve, fix everything myself. I can dig myself into a hole sometimes, just because I want to manage myself. I have problem in trusting people, and I always believe I will be fooled and lied to so it’s better to just do it alone. 

At the same time, help is all I need. I scream inside after help. I cry and I yell and I scream after help and someone to just come along to help me. All of that goes on inside though, I never voice it, I never tell anyone. I am to proud. To paranoid. Proud to show that a grown up, sometimes feel lost and isn’t sure how to stand up on it’s feet once again, after falling. Paranoid in believing that people just want to take advantage of one. No one would help me, just for the sake of helping. It’s always a catch. 

So inside me is this constant turmoil. Wished to be seen and heard and someone to reach out it’s hand and let me stand up, and me to stubborn to let anyone know. It’s easier to live with pain, and problems and life falling apart, than to dare to trust people. So I scream and I cry and I yell and I fall apart. All just inside, alone. Wishing someone to just come along and sit there with me. 

But so I am here, far away from comfort zones and things to distract. Far away from the ones that has helped me, be a better me. Here I am, in the land of the unknown. I still feel that way. And here I slowly getting it. Here I slowly understand and breaking down my way of thinking. I have to ask for help. I don’t know where to find or how to find things here. Esoecially now, when living.alone. I am learning, for just small things to ask. Where can I find, or can ANYONE HELP. it’s hard and a balance act how to do it. And accepting help, when offered. It’s hard and a balance act how to do it. There are people who does things, just for the sake if it. 

We aren’t alone. And that is something I am trying to learn and see. If one just DARE to ASK for help, people most of the times will. I’m trying to tell myself. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and asking for help, in my eyes, would make me a burden. Somewhere the idea that actually asking is the though one who does. To dare to show that you are in need. That’s the one who doesn’t need to scream inside, that is a though one. 

Process started

Papers are signed.  We’ve come to an agreement of our divorce. They have been filed. My soontobeexhusband will need to respond to my “demand” of the divorce. I cried. Like a little baby. Next to me stod my lawyer stupidly fucking staring. 

I’m fine doing this, it’s what we want, it’s still not fucking fun. I didn’t picture this to happen. It was not what I set out for, and for sure not to be 7 hours apart from the support that I so badly need. All I wanted in that moment was to talk to someone. Have a coffee and a smoke and listen to someone say it’s going to be OK. I know it’s going to be OK,but the little child inside me wants a hand to hold and a friendly voice to talk to. 

I took up my phone, called my soontobeexhusband, just out if habit. Last 2 years he’s the only one that I’ve dailed and as soon as I did, I remembered that it’s not him I can call anymore. I just wanted to talk to someone. Cry on a shoulder and my people are 7 hours ahead of me. Now living a life where I am not present and the easyness of talking is harder. I can’t ask them out and I can’t ask them to be there. 

It’s in motion now, and I feel scared. Scared of dealing with this alone. I’m scared of the words and thought just being stuck inside me and never coming out. To not voice the feelings I have about this entire process, as no matter how much we want it, it’s a change and changes are scary. Changes in a country and culture I haven’t fully embraced and adapted to is even more scarier. Words and thought stuck inside the head turn to monsters who wants to eat you up. 

They break my heart everytime

I can’t get used to them. I get sad everytime. I feel bad everytime. I see them and my heart breaks. The people asking for money, when they come with their hats and ask me for money. 

Here I sit with my bought coffee, sipping it along, complaining I got no money and not sure how to get the month to work. How dare I?! I get ashamed of myself. I get angry at myself. This man, asking for his 2 bs, this man he got no money. I?I do. I fucking do. I just need to get out if my ass and change the habits I’ve had and I’ll be good. This man, in this place, in this part of the world, his chances I can’t see. 

It breaks my heart. I just had the luck of being born in a different place, in a different society, with different chances in life. I complain about things I can’t find and a standard I don’t have. Shame on you. Shame on you Maria. This man, he can say that. You? You live such a fortunate life, with all possibilities you can ask for. 

Biking

When I was around 20 years old, I had a wish to learn how to ride the motorbike. I thought it looked very fun, free. 

I moved to Prague and one of my dearest friends had a bike. We talked that he would teach me, how to ride it. A pregnancy got in the way. I forgot about it more or less, I got scared about it more or less. I lost contact as well with that dear friend. So in everything got in the way more or less. 

Here they all use it, more or less. I have been scared to death about it though. I can’t say they drive the safest here. But. I have a dear friend here too, that drives a bike. First time that I was going I almost died. I was scared. I was scared to death. That day I rode with him, I would never imagine I would go for a 6 hours drive one day. I did. I loved it. Now it’s just the part where I actually drive that’s missing. 

Status 

I forgot my phone today. I was at work, so I could get it back pretty easily. It was all that was needed though to throw me off the horse. 

I cried at work, infront of new people I didn’t know, they just asked how I’m doing ( at work, nothing personal was even remotly asked about.) My toilet is broken and the mere idea of me trying to find a plomer sets me off. (I know I need to just fucking grow up and do it.) 

Where is this going to take me? I read that a divorce is like death, I do agree. It’s a death of a plan, of a future of a dream. Most people say that you should surround yourself with friends and family, to go through it. 

If one doesn’t have fucking that?! What does one do? If all friends and family is on the other fucking side of the world?! What does one fucking do!!?!??  

It doesn’t get easier when I don’t get why I feel this dispare. It makes no sense. 

Friday

Friday is here, and weekend again tomorrow. Boring, boring waste of time weekend. 

During weeks atleast I have my girl to hangout with. Weekend comes and it’s all just me. 

So, this spot will most likely not be change for the forth comning 48 hours. Here in this sofa, movie after movie after movie. 48 hours of movie, frenetic facebook use, pathetic tries to find someone to have a talk to. Self loath and pity. 

I know that this is just a stage. I know it won’t be like this forever. One day, a saturday is a saturday,
 is a saturday. Until then though lets have 48 hour marathon of movies, not talk to anyone, but lord one has to be happy. Always fucking happy. 


Sick, or not sick that’s the question

I have (had) such a fortunate life, a life with bigger possibilities and help to get it than most places on earth.
I was born in Sweden, and only because of that, I have had doors open that others will never get.
After Sweden I moved to Czechia, and there too one gets all the help one needs. Social security, like unemployment benefits, ( here I am fucked if I don’t get some work soon after leaving, which results in people staying at jobs that they don’t want, they don’t like. Only to the fact that they get income from it, and in the rest of the world you really need A LOT of money, for everything you need to buy. schools, health insurance, pension plans, cars, etc etc) parental benefits, vacation, child care, schools, public transportation.
I have known that people in the world don’t have had the same, but I haven’t KNOWN it.

If you understand what I mean.

So in all the commotion I realized I got no health insurance anymore. It is something that it’s so rooted inside me, that one just have, the idea of not having it is just weird.
But I don’t anymore. I have an ear infection, and it was it that made me reflect upon this.

Most people in the world haven’t got that. Most people in the world needs to choose. I have lived here for two years, and I have not reflected on it, until I am in the situation. If I get seriously sick, I am fucked. Thank god, I just have a ear infection, but think about all these people here, and rest of the world that are seriously sick NOW and got nothing.
They are unprotected, fragile, so sensitive for change.
It’s not fare! I got so angry and to be honest scared lying in bed thinking about it yesterday. I won’t afford getting sick, like really sick. People in this world can’t afford being sick.
Most people need to choose between food and going to the doctor. It hit me truly yesterday. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s not fare, it’s not OK in any way. So many that can’t afford a private insurance ( ooh that’s me at the moment!)

So many stuck in jobs they have, due to the fact they are scared to loose the money.
I am one of these people now. I will just need to suck it up and continue on, in a rabbit wheel.
Dude, say what you want about Sweden, or Czechia and their questionable politics sometimes, but hey I personally believe there is a freedom there that I think all people in this world should be able to have.A type freedom is to go to a doctor whenever you want to, without being scared how you will pay it.

Is that..? That is what I think? Is that really? Is that a GARLIC taped to you ear..??? Yes it is. When I grew up, all I wanted was antibiotics like all the "normal"ones. I would ALWAYS go to the doc and get my prescritions growing up. I say 😂😂😂😂 to that. Try garlic for ear infection,it really does help. #medicine #sick #anotherreasontojustliehomeandwatchseries #homesick #throathurts #earhurts #alternativewaysformedicin #garlic #remedy
me with home remedy, for my ear infection. it did help though!

 

 

And then the night comes

all positive thought vanish when darkness comes, why so? ( dude I wasn’t that positive today to begin with, a wallet lost with ID,money and cards. And the stress upon that. So cut the crap) 

I felt good over my home, but as soon as my girl goes to bed and night comes it all changes. 

It was two weeks ago that I met a human being, as a friend. That I had a conversation with and where I actually felt like more than nothing. Two weeks. I can see that it will be easily two more weeks or longer for next time. 

I have always tried to fill a void inside me, and meeting and talking and seeing people has been that filling. I have lived outside of my homecountry for some time, and we all had the same thing,we were familyless so we bonded and made our own family. We helped eachother fill a void inside us. Plus I have always loved having people around. Having guests over was the best thing I knew as a kid. And it has stuck with me. Living in Prague I could complaine that I needed more friends and had no people to meet. Oh foolish me! How I hate that, and would love to go back and tell her off. It would never have been two weeks. Maybe 4 days tops. 

Am I silly putting so much energy on this? Why is it so important? I don’t know. But it is. For me. I would love to be one of those that is fine, not seeing friends or it’s enough with small chat at work. 

Im.not.  

And I get that here it’s different. As I said, we were all alone with no families around so we met and we spent time together and we became our family. I guess here they all have families, and it’s just not the same. And I get that I’m probably a part of my own problem, as I’ve never had such problem. In all frankness,finding friends has been bit of my superpower. Here not so much. 

And right now, sitting alone in a flat, that yes is a home but why have a home if no one comes and fills it? I haven’t had a person over for a month. Right now, I really wanna fill a void. Lonelyness, every single day. No days are kind of OK. it’s now, now when it’s dark and becca sleeps and I know I have five hours of lonelyness ahead of me. When the night comes and there aren’t a soul around.  

My home

I love to have a home. For me, having a cozy nice home, decorated and styled is of utterly importance. 

The last two years hasn’t been so much of that. I haven’t really been able to make the feeling “home”, and with the culmination of that being this flat. 

So I left two and a half months ago. I came to this place, that a friend was leaving and I could stay in for some days. The idea of trying to find a place was overwhelming and the idea of needing to go looking at places just terrifying so I just stayed. I can’t say I have really enjoyed the place, rather disliked it. Maybe not so much, of the place itself but that it has represented. ( well frankly the place has been sadly empty and uncomfy so was bit due to the place itself aswell.) I haven’t felt home at all, it’s been like I’m visiting someone for the first time and can’t really relax as you don’t know the friend that well and aren’t sure about the house rules. So it has been like that. The place was farely empty, depressing and just  cold. Cold cold cold. 

I decided that I needed to conquer it. I needed to make it mine, ours my kid’s and mine. To make a feeling that it belong to someone, put my mark on it. So that I can feel good somewhere, after such a long time not having a place called home. So all the little leftover money has been put in here. Most of the stuff has been borrowed. ( thank sweet mother of jesus for that friend) I have faught this place, and felt carp in this place. So last saturday the owner came and got the sofa that used to be here. A broken,run down, uncomfy thing that just didn’t invite anyone to have a sit down. She took it and left I was with nothing. So creation sofa started. And o’boy what a couch I created. I haven’t had such a great thing,since I left Sweden. It’s like a dream for me. I love it. Still needs fabric n stuff but we can use it. My kid is happy with ut too, using it for a bed, the last two nights. And then yesterday I decided that my “tv-cabinet” ( it’s basically a broken coffee table with an mdf board as a top, just sound fancier with a tv-cabinet) needed a chance to become something else. So I upcycled it. It’s not the greatest, not like the couch hey, but it’s so much nicer. It ties in with the rest of the room. I feel OK with it. And so now I’m lying here on my couch, watching TV, not being annoyed about that ass uncomfy sofa and the ugly as hell cabinet. I feel like aaaaah. I’m relaxed. I have a look around and dear, tje apartment isn’t that bad. My desk IS cool, i really like it,my curtains make sense and my sofa is divine. It hits me. I got a home. I got a home. A home. If I would have had gone out looking for a flat,I wouldn’t had stayed here in this o e but right now I’m glad I did. I think I’m doing a really good job, with making it a nice place. I feel really relaxed here. So since we left Prague almost two years ago, I finally got a home again. It misses things, and I need stuff for it. But it’s inviting now, it’s comfy now. Two and a half months, and at least I don’t need to fight with this place anymorem